Aries, yours is the first zodiac sign, even though it starts in March. Sorry to burst your bubble, but you must admit that being the first zodiac sign isn’t such a big deal. But at the same time, we can take it as an invitation to re-examine that whole value system. Have you ever noticed that every time you think you’re the best at something, BAM! There’s always someone there to remind you that you’re not Number One, stop tooting your own horn, etc. etc. You could blame it on Jupiter in Libra, but really, it’s just that people are jealous. Yup, that’s right. JEALOUS. So a piece of advice for you, Aries, stay away from jealous people. And y’know, if you want to be the best, go right ahead, whether it’s true or not!
Taurus, you are a true sign of spring. In fact, you always think it’s spring. Even when it’s -40°C, you think you can go outside in running shoes and a t-shirt. Is it because of Saturn in Venus? Not at all! It’s the Sun’s fault. Don’t tell anyone, but I believe that the only star that has any influence on your destiny and mood is the Sun. For example, if you can’t see the Sun and there are a whole lot of clouds, then it’s your destiny to get wet. But you also know that you can change your destiny by opening an umbrella. And, if you haven’t seen the Sun for a long time, you probably feel a little down and out. So my advice is, check the weather forecast before you leave home.
Now, I myself am a Gemini, so you can count on hearing a bunch of very good things. Hey, it’s not every day that I get to dictate to the planets how they can influence my life! So I’m not going to fool around. I’m going to use this power without overthinking the possible consequences. It’s my destiny and I get to decide, so there! Wow, for once, I have a say in the planetary alignment. Nobody ever asks for my opinion about this kind of thing. Sure, interpreting other people’s astrological charts is fine, but when it comes to my own, I would love to have a say in the matter. Let’s see... where to start. There are SO MANY possibilities! What? What do you mean, there’s no more room? I haven’t even started!
In the 80s, a wise person who was quoting another wise person, once said, “You can’t understand someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” And the wise person who was quoting that other wise person added, “So I put on my shoes and they led me down the path to change.” The fact that this double serving of wisdom was quoted in a margarine advertisement tells us a lot about you, Cancer. Where do you find your inspiration and guidance? Do you rely on ads to help you understand the world? Or do you take the advice of those wise words poised on ocean backdrops or fields of wheat that abound on Facebook? I don’t want to be a pain, but if your answer is yes, then you should probably look for a few other sources.
Leo, believe me when I say, this week will not be like any other. Get this: the Moon is in Libra square Neptune, but perpendicular to Mars in Pisces at the corner of Saint Catherine and Papineau. And what does all this mean for your destiny, Leo? Nothing. But it’s a good time to remind you that sometimes, even extraordinary circumstances don’t mean a darn thing. Take advantage of this advice to sit back and relax, Leo. The planets are trying extra hard to not create anything special for you, so dare to challenge them by procrastinating to the best of your ability. Expect some payback with your next horoscope, though.
Oh, come on! The planets are really exaggerating this time! They’re teaming up to make sure that you’ll have a really horrible week, Virgo. You can expect a rock in your shoe and a snow avalanche will bury your house. Yes, in the middle of summer! The solution? None. Well, you could always fly a rocket out of our solar system to escape those mean planets, but to be perfectly honest, I doubt that would work. However, there is another solution... Take destiny into your own hands, and tell those planets to get lost! Anyways, do you really think that a few big rocks with nothing better to do than circle around a slightly warmer rock can really influence your destiny? Come on Virgo, break the curse and take charge of your destiny!
Sitting atop his eternal mountain, Lao Tzu enjoyed telling his disciples: “Happiness is born from suffering, and suffering hides within happiness.” That’s pretty much what Pluto square Neptune is trying to tell you, but neither Pluto nor Neptune are making themselves heard. Of course, it’s not easy. You try to deliver a message of wisdom when you’re 5,766,000,000 km away, and there’s not even a breeze to help you out. You’ve tried? And it didn’t work? Well, there you go. Before criticizing others, make sure you can do it yourself. That’s what Lao Tzu should have tried to tell you. Your lucky number: definitely not 5,766,000,000!
I don’t know who you vote for, Scorpio, but when it comes to horoscopes, you’re very conservative. You’re not interested in the mystical details of your destiny or the universe or that kind of thing. No, what interests you is LOVE. Like, as if you could date a planet... Well, since I’m a good sport, I’ll give you what you want. Okay, love ... hmmm... I don’t see anything. I’ll try a different telescope... no, still nothing. Maybe it’s because you won’t find anyone hanging out in the stars, Scorpio. It seems really romantic, waltzing among the planets and all, but that’s not how you’ll find a date. Although I’d be curious to know what a blind date with a planet is like. How does a planet express its problems, its dreams? If you ever give it a try, let me know.
You’re very quiet this week, Sagittarius. Have you lost your tongue? Did one of my astrology colleagues tell you to zip it? It’s possible. I can see which section of your astrological chart he may have looked at. But when I look beyond your chart, into infinity (y’know, a chart implies that the universe is finite, and that’s simply not true), I see that any problems that may arise from what you say, get smaller and smaller. And the further I go and the closer I get to the original Big Bang, the smaller your problems get. So stop worrying, and go ahead and say what you have to say!
Listen to what people are telling you, Capricorn, but listen to the wind and the fish, too. Listen to the rain and the thunder. Listen to the silence, and the ringing in your ears. Listen to the space around you. Listen to the electromagnetic waves that nobody else can hear, and the rays of sunlight, too. Listen to the stars. You’ll realize that they can tell you everything you need to know, and that you don’t have to go to Tim Hortons to read your horoscope in a newspaper that thinks it knows best what you need to do. Oh, and listen to yourself, too!
Follow the rules, be nice to your neighbours, be polite and don’t forget to water your plants. What? You don’t like your horoscope? I understand that you don’t like being told what to do, Aquarius, I don’t like it either, but astrology doesn’t lie. Whatever you say or do, there will always be someone or something that will decide for you. But I must say, it’s only human. Deep down, we like being told what to do. Why do you think there are still horoscopes? For example, this morning my horoscope told me that, in my search for freedom, I will make a really great decision. Right away I knew that it meant, “Don’t pay your Visa bill this month.”
Pisces, you are patient. According to Wikipedia, you’re the last of the zodiac signs. Every time you want to read your horoscope, you have to go ALL THE WAY to the end of the list before getting to your sign. It’s a pain when you’re pressed for time in the morning, but on the other hand, it builds character. Patience is a virtue, and there’s less of it in this world all the time. Jupiter in Mercury told me the other day that if it were up to him, he would tell everyone to be more patient. But he thought that would be unfair to you, Pisces, because if everyone started being more patient, there wouldn’t be anything special about you anymore. No, that just wouldn’t be fair. Go ahead and show Jupiter in Mercury that you other qualities, too.