Aries, this is your month to shine – I’m thinking of you as I savour my first fortune cookie. Its crunch is rivaled only by its prophecy:
“A revolutionary labyrinth will wreak havoc on your enslavement. Let the envious ones laugh.”
Your tarot card of the month: The Moon, your colour: Golden Yellow, your number: 6
What does “The Moon” have to do with your revolution, Aries? That’s for you to find out. However, I suggest you don your golden yellow glasses, because that’s your colour of the month, and also because you’ll see how soothing everything is bathed in this warm light. Maybe you’ll finally see clearly in your labyrinth. At the end of the path, pull your shoulders back, turn around six times: the elevator music will not penetrate your soul. If necessary, wear earplugs until May.
Taurus, this is how your fortune cookie goes:
“Emerge unscathed from your minty metamorphosis. Stretch your professional connections and devote your life to fresh herbs.”
Your tarot card of the month: The Tower, your colour: Blue, your number: 4
It’s not complicated, Taurus, sitting in your ivory tower, you forget that blue is not the real colour of mint. Don’t count on your pack of gum, it’s yet another attempt to manipulate you. Come back to your family, return to the source, till the soil and watch your herbs grow. Blue will bring you luck, but your mint will always be green, regardless of what you do.
*In the kitchen this month, everything will be delicious if – and only if – you flavour each dish with four fresh herbs at a time.
Gemini, your fortune cookie seemed fishy; here’s what it said:
“Take an acrobatic pause so you can hear the wisdom of the stones.”
Your tarot card of the month: The World, your colour: Violet, your number: 9
Get out your baggy clothing, Gemini, and start doing some yoga stretches if you want to continue on the path to beauty. Flexibility is vital to hearing the pebbles, because their words are activated only if you pick them up with your toes. If, as a bonus, your toenails are painted with beautiful violet nail polish, there’s a good chance they will whisper your nine secrets to you.
Cancer, here’s what your fortune cookie told me:
“Let the chick move about laughingly before deciding it’s a decoy.”
Your tarot card of the month: The Pope, your colour: Fuchsia, your number: 14
Your naivety will be seriously challenged this month, dear Cancer. They will try to distract you, to make you dizzy, but you have more than one trick in your girly fuchsia purse. Laugh out loud, giggle, force a chuckle, but above all, laugh! Give your cheeks a wonderful stretch by laughing too much. Take everything as a joke, and take nothing seriously except for humour and soft-boiled eggs. As for the Pope, I’ve heard he has a joke to tell you. Call him on the 14th of the month and you’ll find out what he’s hiding under his hat.
Leo, I devoured your overly sweet fortune cookie. Here’s what was hidden inside:
“Cease all resistance to the rattle in your camper and you will attain bliss.”
Your tarot card of the month: The Lovers, your colour: Red, your number: 8
I see it clearly, Leo: go camping! Some may say it’ll be chilly, but take a heater and dare to jump in your camper. Venture deep into the woods with your favourite consenting person, because your lineup this month points to some grand frolicking. And if, for the moment, you are walking your path alone, go solo, camp at site no. 8 and make sure you wearing your red panties: love will come knocking at the camper door.
Virgo, I ate yours, too. Your nicely browned fortune cookie dictated:
“Climb this ultimate staircase at dusk, and you will understand the enormity of your accomplishment.”
Your tarot card of the month: The Star, your colour: Pale Pink, your number: 5
It can’t be more obvious Virgo, you must keep going – don’t give up until the stars shine! Once you’ve gone beyond the pink sky, slow down and be serene, my queen, you will soon understand where you are perched. Meanwhile, prepare your subconscious to let go of the fear of heights, otherwise your legs may tremble and your head might spin once you get up there. Be particularly aware as you ascend the final five steps. I’ve been told that will help prevent tripping. Knowing you, it would be very intimidating to know you’re being watched as you casually fall down the stairs.
Libra, in case you didn’t already know, I ate a fortune cookie just for you:
“Forfeit the game of the bourgeoisie and find the mystical angle for the far-off murmuring.”
Your tarot card of the month: The Magician, your colour: Green, your number: 7
There’s magic in the air, Libra. Believe in it, because it’s your best bet for appeasing the witches. And the number 7, isn’t that a sign in itself? Sing it loud and clear in seven languages, put on your green glasses and have faith in your small gestures. Don’t give a thought to the accumulating collections enthusiasts.
Scorpio, I’m in sugar overload, but for you, I will forge ahead. Your fortune cookie told me:
“When you take off running in flashy shoes, it’s time to admit you made a mistake.”
Your tarot card of the month: The Wheel of Fortune, your colour: Burgundy, your number: 6
This month, Scorpio, you’ll learn the hard way. With your high heel stuck between two wooden barn planks, you’ll realize that you run a lot faster barefoot. Following this astonishing revelation, you will donate all your fancy trappings, and in less than six days, we will celebrate your simplicity. Raise a toast to it with a glass of good Burgundy wine.
Sagittarius, I ate the sickly sweet fortune cookie for you, too:
“Thanks to a vigilant yet spotty courtesan, you will not have to bend your roots.”
Your tarot card of the month: The Empress, your colour: Turquoise, your number: 1
If your roots don’t bend you, Sagittarius, allow them to go even deeper – you can never be too solid. That way, when the enormous wave, probably turquoise, comes your way, you’ll be able to do the starfish float without worrying, or surf the wave without getting lost. This would be a good time to stop worrying about appearances, because after falling in the soup, nobody is very elegant. Get out of the water, dye your hair turquoise, hop on a unicycle and your circle of friends will expand once again.
Capricorn, your fortune cookie says:
“Don’t let life’s hardships get you down: incarnate strength, litter the earth with your audacity and you will enter a field of calm.”
Your tarot card of the month: The Sun, your colour: Orange, your number: 11
Wake up, Capricorn! There’s a fire, and it’s up to you to control the flame and use the heat. Transform everything, be creative, invent a new language and eat sun-grilled insects with a sprinkling of orange zest, if you want. I hear echos of at least 11. But it’s urgent. It’s happening right here and right now. Go-go-go!
Aquarius, just for you, I am biting into my 11th fortune cookie:
“Leave the recognition-seeking cohort and fall into a buzzing embrace.”
Your tarot card of the month: Temperance, your colour: Canary Yellow, your number: 3
What more could I add to this wise advice to make sure that you seize the full extent of your happiness. Happiness is there, yes, it’s there. As you interact with others in harmony, sharing and joy. Amen. Having said that, I dare to draw your attention to your number of the month: three. Make whatever connections you want Aquarius, but harmony, sharing and joy make a trio. And you know what that sounds like. But I can’t say what the singing of the canary has to do with anything.
Pisces, your fortune cookie was the last I will ever eat in my whole life.
“Your twisting body whispers and unfurls singularly, moving toward desired tranquility.”
Your tarot card of the month: Justice, your colour: Grey, your number: 2
Pisces-passion. Passion-Pisces. I see it, I feel it and I hear it – Pisces, you are on the verge of discovering a new passion. It’s a graceful combination of your strengths and assets, an ideal calm about to be reached. Do you see it? Do you see yourself teaming up with your alter ego? In nothing but grey, you’ll stand proudly together as statues of liberty, miming immobility in front of riotous tourists. You’ll make a fortune, Pisces.